In 2017, I created a series of blog entries concerning mental health. As I struggle with paranoid schizophrenia, I wrote about some of my biggest obstacles. One of these obstacles involves the disjointed nature of modernity.
It is characteristic of modern life that a person moves quickly between environments, and that some of these are quite different from others. One may, for example, have a home environment, a work environment, vacation, bars, restaurants, the doctor’s office, and so forth. Improvements in communication and transportation technology, among other factors, tend to speed movement between different environments. In a virtual sense, cell phones and similar devices bring us into contact with more and more switches, more settings. My paranoia never jibed well with all of the sudden shifts, and it’s taken a lot of faith and patience to calm down, and to convince myself that I am still consistently myself, no matter where I am. Modernity can be painful and confusing to even the healthy-minded, and possibly even less pleasant for the mentally ill. In 2018, I dreamt of creating a radio station. I wanted it to resemble a college freeform show I used to host at WNUR-FM, Evanston. In this show, radically different genres were played back to back. Sometimes the effect was seamless-- often it was jarring. Perhaps one track would be from Einstürzende Neubauten, with huge pipes smashing into a floor and chainsaws slicing. The next might be a Brahms-ian lullaby. “Life”, as a (sane) friend of mine once said, “is often a dream, and occasionally a nightmare.” The conceived-of new radio station was to use internet technology to help to gather and combine songs from playlists of disparate genres. The disconnection between tracks, as playlists were changed randomly, was their connection. A more unpredictable radio station was a true radio station-- true to the life it represents-- that of modernity. The current realization of this dream takes the form of a free web application I call the “Thomas Park Audio Explorer”: http://www.thomasparksolutions3.com/ . Users can surf into the explorer and spend second or hours listening, hitting the “Load Track” button when it’s time for a new track. The nature of that track depends on many things, including what playlist is chosen randomly by the python code. Will it be a gritty rip from an old 78 rpm jazz instrumental? A 3-minute shortwave broadcast from a control tower to an Air Force pilot? An experimental loop track using cassette loops? A boot-kicking track of minimal techno? That is not for the listener to decide, but rather for them to cope with, and hopefully-- to enjoy.
16 Comments
Rafael González
10/24/2018 03:26:23
Is the same disease paranoid schizophrenia and delusional disorder? Delusional disorder was called before, here in Spain, as paranoid psychosis. Doctors love to put names, they are true poets. I loved your article and the information you provide.
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10/24/2018 07:39:10
Not sure if they are the same, my friend. Here in the U.S. paranoid schizophrenia is part of a syndrome of related symptoms. My main symptom is that sometimes, when alone, I hear voices.
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Rafael González
10/24/2018 17:56:42
No, it's not the same disease. A person with delusional disorder (paranoid psychosis) does not hear voices, I mean that this person has no auditory or visual hallucinations (sorry for the word). Dear Thomas, the important thing is to be able to stop hearing when you want to do it
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Chris Phinney
10/24/2018 09:43:10
Very good article! I could go into a good bit of detail on this. Thanks Thomas for shedding some light on this subject!
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Hal McGee
10/24/2018 10:06:37
I can imagine that all of us here at EC, and creative people in general, deal with some form of mental illness, difficulty or aberration/irritation of some sort. It could just be a mild feeling of not quite fitting in, which almost goes without saying! Or feelings of loneliness. I prefer to think of it as solitude, and I actually prefer this way of being. I don't need a bunch of distractions from living my life as an artist! I have worked diligently to reduce distractions and clutter in my life. Being alive, and existing and breathing and creating art take up enough energy without the distractions of family and career. But those are choices I have made. Others among us have made other choices. I myself suffered from schizophrenia, depression, and bipolar weirdness in my 20s. Over time I trained myself to harness that weird energy, that weird brain activity, to make it work for me creatively. This might very well account for the hyper-detailed, multi-layered and seemingly chaotic audio assemblages I favor these days. Fortunately for me I have not had to struggle with the deep mental difficulties that so many of my comrades have. The only encouragement that I can offer is to make your pain and suffering and mental anguish work FOR you. Channel and harness it just enough so that you can create deep, rich, powerful art. I know that's not easy! But art can help us get through life's difficulties. When things seem their shittiest, remember art and music. Spew that hate, that chaos, that confusion onto tape or paper, construct a giant mess of stuff. Just go for it. Make it as ugly as the ugliness you feel. It is never too late and we are never too old to make killer art and music -- until the Grim Reaper comes calling! Hahahahaha.
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Rafael González
10/24/2018 18:03:09
I completely agree with your words, in everything, from the beginning to the end of the comment. Especially at the end of this one!
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Thomas Park
10/24/2018 16:55:43
I can report happily to a great amount of regeneration, too-- through hard work, focus and faith. Recently my forays into coding have especially gone well, and my wife with her patience can be a big support. There is hope for a better life, with or without mental illness.
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Rafael González
10/24/2018 18:07:24
Of course, there is always hope. And I wish you that, the best for you. Keep doing such great works
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gen ken
10/24/2018 18:46:30
A very important discussion - thank you
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Chris Phinney
10/24/2018 20:06:31
Great comment Hal, wonder where I got my solo artist name from. I wont go into a big spiel or details unless asked, but as Hal you know my youngest daughter 21 & raising her from pretty much puberty on suffers from 7 mental disorders.some being mentioned here.She is very talented as well & I must encourage that daily to her that she do her thing be it meditation,drawing,painting,writing etc, at one point she was even in Tapegerm as the artist Colorful Octopus..I know as she does about the voices, I also have to try & keep her from self harm, Voices several in my family know all to well.Thank you Hal for your comment & again Thomas for the fine article & discussion it has brought on.
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Thomas Park
10/24/2018 20:59:43
Some suggest the voices are due to a type of sensitivity. I wonder if mine have something to do with loneliness. It's hard to be sure. Having the energy and motivation to focus on realities' more discrete aspects has helped me a lot. That being said, it would be sad for the creativity to go, too. Best wishes.
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Chris Phinney
10/24/2018 21:38:05
Loneliness has a lot to do with it I think particularly with my youngest. She has expressed & I have observed. I think you are right on the spot on that Thomas. Myself I have taught myself how to deal with it,depression a bit harder. anyone here know what a 603 A or 603 B means as some psychiatrists classify one as with mental illness?An artist no matter what form in my humble opinion should never quit creating art. I came very close to that. I thank Hal who many years ago pulled me out of a almost 5 year hiatus of non creativity,also my good friend Carl Howard just talking to him about things is?was a plus not that I didnt want to I just how do you say it did not have the desire but the cogwheels were always rolling in my brain. I actually prefer the isolation crazy as that may sound but it allows me to be more creative after the hiatus.I could go on but we save that for another converse or not. I truthfully hope this is understood & not misconstrued. Best wishes to you as well Thomas on all you do.
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10/24/2018 21:57:48
It's understood, for sure. I was wondering where Chris Phinney went. You seem to have levelled out to some degree, I hope things go ok for you.
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Frank
10/25/2018 05:44:01
A couple months ago, I already read on your 'archive.org' about this... And I thought it was very brave to talk about it, in public!
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10/25/2018 07:11:44
Thanks, Frank. Certainly nothing "wrong" with-- maybe some have different obstacles, I would suggest, is all. Cheers.
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Chris Phinney
10/25/2018 18:24:40
Glad you understand, now you know where I went lol, lots of life changes, I have levelled out to some extent as creating again, just not as much as I would like, life gets in the way of that. Nothing like what we used to do all the collabs & remixes we did back in Tapegerm, Homemade Music, mp3.com days when we saturated the net with our art.Good music that I cherish to this day, Thanks & same to you I have a lot of obstacles to overcome, not mental on my part, but others illnesses & things I have to do to regain a normal life of my own without others having to depend on me.I am still in touch with Bev on occasion as well.
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